If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
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Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.