Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
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I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.