LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
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My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
*seductively peels off lederhosen