In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
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Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.