[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
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Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.