Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
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*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
Tough love is true love
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
Follow me for more recipes
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
My plans: 2020:
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.