im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
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Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Me trying to “trust the process”
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.