10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
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I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
my one true gender
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.