[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
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My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.