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Me, flirting😏
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”