seems like a niche market
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Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier