Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
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[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
Tell me you get it…🤣
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”