wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
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“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”