Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
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I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman