Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
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Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”