Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
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Donkey I Shreked the Kids
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.