Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
You Might Also Like
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December