Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
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Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.