[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
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I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Buck naked
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts