Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
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Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?