If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
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HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
this is literally a CIA plant
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.