2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
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German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming