i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
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Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
need a new bf mines broken 😐
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.