My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
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I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer