Damn he played himself
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“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.