My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
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I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Sharon I have some bad news
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again