friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
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“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”