Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
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I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Brb my Sims are getting married
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
beware of dog
(jukin media)
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
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