Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
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Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄