Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
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I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
me adding lol on a serious message
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
✌🏽
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
real
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End