Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
You Might Also Like
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
April 1st is the class clown of days.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.