80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
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NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
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