Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
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Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday