A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
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A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
*launders Kohls cash*
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.