Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
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Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.