“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
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what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
*pokes sex life with a stick
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.