Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
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[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…