Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
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Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question