[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
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While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.