My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
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Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.