I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
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Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
They grow up so quick
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order