Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
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[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?