Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
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Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
somebody come look at this
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “