me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
You Might Also Like
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Real House Wines.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.