Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
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[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
where’s Godzilla when we need him
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.