“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
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Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Solving a traffic jam
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.