Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
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I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
time for some seasonal decor
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Kermit goes Blue.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth