Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
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“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files