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Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.