what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
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oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
In case you needed to hear it:
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
(Electricians.)
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
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.
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.
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this